I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
You Might Also Like
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*