if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
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Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
if my sleeping schedule was a person
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
thank god
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right