The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
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Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?