Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
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Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Cheers Twitter.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.