Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
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If you love someone, let them tweet.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
🤣✨#caturday
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule