Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
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Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.