just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
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A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”