me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
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Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it