India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
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I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?