Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
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An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
It was worth a shot 😂
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?