[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
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“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time