“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
You Might Also Like
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t