A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
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Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
the official breakfast of 2021
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.