Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
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I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Me, reading some of your tweets
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower