The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
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Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Sharon I have some bad news
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall