started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
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Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
step 6: release the wall snake
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars