Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
You Might Also Like
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!