Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
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This is hilarious….
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
one of
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.