Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
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Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.