One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
You Might Also Like
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.