[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
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mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
My ideal weight is five million dollars
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint