Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
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My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
happy mother’s day❤️
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
anyone else like Italian cereal
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup