A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
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Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Well. That’s not a good sign.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Guilty! 🤪
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Every photo I’m tagged in
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*