Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
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7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*