To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
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Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him