If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
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You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front