*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
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Tremendous stuff
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Taking phone security to the next level.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.