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This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb