emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
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If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
j o i m p
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.