Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
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My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”