I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
You Might Also Like
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
This is a whole mood;
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.