My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
You Might Also Like
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Blew my mind.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer