How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
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I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
A woman drives into a bar.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.