If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
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My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours