Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
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when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Ron is short for Aaronald
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Spring of Deception
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*