I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
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Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.