When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
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Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Beware…..
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day: