Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
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My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.