If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
You Might Also Like
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I know this now 😂
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
All generalizations are stupid.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.