I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
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My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Gemma Correll
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.