Time heals everything 🙂
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If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*