My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
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The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.