I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
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When you’ve simply given up.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
english majors be like furthermore
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.