My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
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restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.