One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
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DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her