I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
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“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.