guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
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Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
The only equipped I am is ill.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday