“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
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Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?