officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
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The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”