Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
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Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Is this a threat?
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!